Do find listed below a few free resources: books, podcast, mp3s I mentioned for your information and relationship IQ.
These gifts are provided for educational purposes and can not be re-used for any other purposes without the express written permission of the author, Flo Falayi and “FloMediaHouse”.
If you are going through a heartbreak (relationship, financial, career, business etc) and all you can see is the gloom and doom, Keep Going. The darkness and pain will eventually recede and light (joy, peace) will return. Your temporary phase of sorrow will pass and will become a source of inspiration for you as well as others…mark my words.
Without a doubt, heartaches are tough but honestly when it’s over, IT IS NECESSARY TO LET IT END. Learn to decipher when a relationship is over and also learn how to move on such that you position yourself to embrace the unlimited potential that the future holds. I do admit, it sounds easy but it is indeed easier said than done. Very difficult.
I want to share three insights on how to move forward from a hurt or a heart break.
Insights on how to pick up your broken hearts…about managing pain on levels you never knew existed. About redeeming significant lost time, resources, opportunities and relationship(s).
Real and complete healing/restoration occurs on 3 levels — Spirit, Soul and Body.
Here are three things to do when you are going through a heartbreak or significant loss:
#1: Don’t give up
First of, do not quit on life!
Do not throw in the towel.
Do not translate your experience into a destination.
Refuse to be defined by an event or a set back. Have a disposition that this loss will not define your life.
Remind yourself you will get over it…(him or her)
Remind yourself that your future will be greater than your present
Believe that light will shine again on you and in your heart.
#2: Get it Out
It is absolutely critical to get the pain.
While I know that this is a gradual process and takes time depending on the circumstance and severity of the hurt or pain.
Find an outlet…
For some it’s going to require some crying, screaming, time alone or counseling.
But I have also discovered one vital step that works in tandem with this step is to consciously choose to Forgive yourself as well.
This is the process where you shed off the past from within the soul…you will have to look at yourself and as you recall events consciously forgive yourself because we often forgive others and forget ourselves in the prison of self loathe and pity.
So, Forgive Yourself!
#3: Pour Into Others
I can’t fully explain how this works but I know it works. After you’ve forgiven yourself, find someone to cheer on or encourage on your life’s journey. There’s something therapeutic about helping others heal that invariably heals your own soul.
The story of Ruth, a married, woman who lost her soul mate, love of her life, and best friend after 10 years of marriage encapsulates this principle further. Despite her loss she chose to stay with her Mother in Law who was also dealing with the loss of her sons.
By choosing to pour into someone else, she set herself up to be healed invariably and restored.
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God bless you
Are you ready and available?
Relationships are complex and broad brush strokes. When applied to extremely complex situations is unfair, unimaginative and rarely helpful. There is a reason why many clichés and opinions do not help many people. Conversely, often times we complicate simple things by over-thinking or over-analyzing due to ignorance or limited information. I know this much is true; it is very easy to generalize and be dismissive in the same breadth when we discuss relationships. For example, when we say are you ready and available, what comes to mind? What do you think?
There are three possible outcomes when you are “Ready and Available”.
The first category: BRUISED AND BATTERED
There are those that have ventured out but have been burned significantly or emotionally battered:
You were once ready and available
You gave love a chance
Trusted him or her and eventually got burned (either got played, cheated on, left behind, treated badly etc)
Long story short, you are now in a bad place…
You are stuck between a hard place and a rock.
That’s no permanent place to be.It is an OK place to be but only for a short while.
First of all, you are going to need to heal.
You have to get back to 100% because where you are is surreal.It’s a dark place and perhaps comfortable but we need to get some light into that place, “your space”.
Light brings some clarity, illumination, fresh breath, new hope, new word, new possibilities. With light comes the strength to rebuild, retool, repair and refresh. Light allows you to get back to the place where you love yourself unconditionally.The place where you are okay with being yourself.
That place of serenity and calmness. Honestly, it makes sense if you don’t have time for everyone…and if relationship is the last thing on your mind. It’s OK, we understand because you need time to get better.
This place reminds me of Ruth…after she lost her husband, her livelihood, her companion, her neatly arranged, beautiful life. But she allowed light and wholesome words (advice from a seasoned mentor, Naomi to guide her through her nightmare. This might sound crazy but it is at this place of rebuilding, retooling, repairing and refreshing one’s spirit, soul and body that many find what they are looking for…the place of healing becomes the place of recovery and restoration. Isn’t that amazing that where one chooses to focus on being right is where one finds the right one? It’s true…
The second category: POISED OR RESTLESS
There are those that are truly ready financially, physically, psychologically but haven’t found the right one or haven’t been found yet. Often the folks in this category are either poised and confidently waiting or searching for the right one or fidgeting and worried about the future. These folks have a clear picture of what and who they want or need. It’s so clear…they can ‘see’ it. This group is poised and simply waiting for the right opportunity.
Yet, there are others that have these similar attributes but are restless and borderline paranoid. They are the folks who oscillate between the two extremes – some days are much better than the rest. They are often, conflicted and irritated with intense mood swings. They know their behaviour and actions do not make sense and also understand that their ‘back and forth’ is actually antagonistic to their long term goals but are unable to do something about it. They have those ‘kind-of’ days where the memories of the ‘EX’ blur the focus and perspective of the ‘NEXT’. Days when the past torments them more than the future excite them. Days so dark, you can grab the darkness.
Enough with the madness!
Stop already. It’s time to step away from that craziness and let some light in. Stop comparing yourself with your peers. Filter out the noise, especially negative noise. Forget the past. Release yourself from your ‘ex’ and focus on what’s next. Encourage yourself. Stop doubting yourself. Remind yourself
If Ruth (a widower) eventually found love then why won’t you? Why not you? Give me your reasons, watch me smash them as I ask you to embrace the possibilities of what will happen if you believe right and not what might happen.
The third category: TRAVELLER
These are the folks that are “Ready and Available” and on a journey. The folks in this category are experiencing the realities of a relationship and in some case looking forward to what’s ahead. Some are stuck and conflicted but are reluctantly going along for the ride. If you fall into the first category, focus on building, nurturing and growing your relationship. Guard against complacency and watch out for love killers by focusing on the little things that matter. To those on a journey but you still feel the void within your soul. It’s time to be honest and face the truth.
Ask yourself questions – those hard questions you’ve been avoiding such as:
Remember, the relationships are not really destinations in themselves but part of the process and really a journey. Make sure you know where you are going and that you’ve chosen the right individual as your companion. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for a “hell-on-earth” experience whereas you’ve been destined for heaven on earth.
It’s your choice, so choose wisely.
NB: Don’t forget to share this article with a friend that needs it. Pass the message on.
Image Sources: LoveQuotesImages
When Love finds you….
Love will find you…
I am not too worried if you are young, naive and optimistic like Isaac or Rebecca
Neither am I worried if you have been dealt a tough blow in relationships such that you are bruised, pessimistic and withdrawn like Ruth.
Love will find you…believe me.
It is not going to be a question of IF; rather it will be one of WHEN. Believe me again, Love will find you. However, when love finds you the biggest challenge will be your readiness and availability.There are different categories of people in this life:
You should be READY and AVAILABLE.
When love comes around it is almost always unexpected like an “out of the blues”, random occurrence but upon further reflection and observation, I am realizing that love is more than a random act. Love happens at the intersection of “ready and available”.
So are you ready?
A good way to illustrate the concept of being ready is to share an instance when I took my kids out for a date. One of the habits I have instituted in my family is spending quality bonding/family time before any of our business or ministry travels. Such events are really more about sharing precious time with the family, discussing ideas and highlighting life events over a meal. I am proud to state that we’ve had this special bonding time in diverse outlets such as fast food joints to fancy restaurants. We’ve decided that our focus will be on the fellowship rather than the location but I must confess the location does help sometimes (LOL).
Anyway, on this particular occasion, about an hour prior to departure I asked the kids to get ready to go out. Here’s a high level break down of the time and the tasks. The kids spent the first 30 – 35 minutes deciding what to wear, which really is a function of where we are going. So I had to give them an idea of what might be appropriate. That destination influences their options. Next, we selected the appropriate accessories (socks, shoes etc.) that match their prior selection. Lastly, we spent the last 20 minutes getting dressed and cleaning up prior to departure.
Let me use these 3 steps to highlight how to get ready –
Step 1: Everything starts with a Decision
So have you decided? Do you know where you are going? If you do, are you ready for what that destination requires? Do you know what you are? Your decision (destination) influences your behaviour. If you simply want to be a boyfriend or a girlfriend, then that determines your focus. If you want to get married, then that destination also influences your focus. Or if you simply want to have fun, have a fling, be someone’s side piece that invariably also influences your focus. All relationships start with a decision or a choice (intentional or otherwise) that is based on one’s state of being. I love this beautiful quote that says, ” do not focus on finding the right person, focus on being the right person”. Are you right? Will you be found to be the ‘right’ one?
Step 2: Your thoughts are Magnetic
Do your thoughts reflect who you are? Every decision starts with thoughts and it is those thoughts that attract people into your life. The wise King Solomon in the book of Proverbs revealed one of the most fascinating truths about the integral role of thoughts in one’s life. Proverbs 24 declares that, “as a man or woman thinks so is he or she”. Literally, your life will reflect your thoughts. See, your decisions will follow your thoughts, which are inevitably influenced by what you’ve received via your gateways (eyes and ears). No one can go beyond his or her thoughts and the key to great decision-making is to think great thoughts. Good (positive) thoughts attract good (positive) people and conversely negative thoughts attract negative people. I have spoken, observed and heard of individuals who vowed to select better spouses than their parents but who ended up with worse relationship choices. Shocking? Not at all. Thoughts are magnetic and attract This brings me to my next point; your decisions are heavily influenced by your thoughts.
Step 3: Projections – Dressed
Another way to illustrate step 2 is to highlight the fact that you wear your thoughts. What people perceive are your inner projections. If a man or woman believes he or she is worthless and no good, then he or she will project a worthless (no good) self image and regardless of the exterior package (beauty, neat adornment and great physique) That worthlessness in thoughts will eventually be heard and seen. Conversely, if a man or woman believes the opposite: that they are precious, valuable and unique then they will also project and reflect an aura that is wholesome and life giving. Your true self should be adorned from within.
So are you well dressed?
To Be Continued…#RelationshipsAtoZ
NOTE: Your comments are very much valued and welcome. Let me know your thoughts on this. If you have questions, do feel free to ask me in the comments also.
Happy Father’s Day from all of us at "Relationship Matters".
Dads are the anchors of our lives, families, communities and we celebrate all the fathers today.
Here are some of our favorite quotes that capture our thoughts and gratitude today: