Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening…
You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are … and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything; it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it’s just life happening.
You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Most of us are programmed culturally or otherwise with the knack to please, the desire to satisfy and meet every demand often to our own detriment. When this desire is expressed without restraint it becomes a disease with dangerous repercussions. Before long, it robs and limits our best work due to crammed schedules, tasks and deliverables. I discovered over the years that by saying no politely, firmly and without the associated guilts I noticed a significant difference in my work, focus and outputs.
Do you know that:
Leaders say No.
When we forget who we are or fail to be self-aware of our limited resources (time, talent and treasures) we succumb to the whims and caprices of others.
Protect yourself from yourself by learning to say No.
Saying No will help you manage the ever present fatigue, anger, frustration, bitterness and resentment that often stem from a place of over committing, over giving and going beyond what is reasonable.
Great leaders have mastered the art of saying No.
You might have to reprogram your mind, but there is great freedom in saying NO. Saying NO to the less important frees you up to focus on the more important stuffs. So get comfortable saying No. It’s OK!
So when should you say NO?
1. When you are tired, exhausted.
2. When you are over committed.
3. When you are over exposed.
4. When you are busy and focused on the critical tasks.
5. When you are under pressure.
6. When your life or health or sanity is at risk.
7. When you’ve spread yourself thin.
8. To any relationship — platonic, business or emotional that is antagonistic to your dreams and goals.
1o. To a job that is destroying your sense of well being.
11. When you’ve become a shell of yourself.
12. If saying Yes will lead to compromising your standards.
13. If saying Yes will make you betray promises or covenants.
14. If saying Yes, will remove your inner peace.
15. When you can no longer perform at an optimal level.
16. When you do not fully understand the rationale behind the demands.
17. When you do not comprehend your position or role.
18. When you are not ready.
19. When you do not feel like it (it’s ok).
Do you have more to add to this list? I’ll love to hear your thoughts.
Do find listed below a few free resources: books, podcast, mp3s I mentioned for your information and relationship IQ.
These gifts are provided for educational purposes and can not be re-used for any other purposes without the express written permission of the author, Flo Falayi and “FloMediaHouse”.
If you are going through a heartbreak (relationship, financial, career, business etc) and all you can see is the gloom and doom, Keep Going. The darkness and pain will eventually recede and light (joy, peace) will return. Your temporary phase of sorrow will pass and will become a source of inspiration for you as well as others…mark my words.
Without a doubt, heartaches are tough but honestly when it’s over, IT IS NECESSARY TO LET IT END. Learn to decipher when a relationship is over and also learn how to move on such that you position yourself to embrace the unlimited potential that the future holds. I do admit, it sounds easy but it is indeed easier said than done. Very difficult.
I want to share three insights on how to move forward from a hurt or a heart break.
Insights on how to pick up your broken hearts…about managing pain on levels you never knew existed. About redeeming significant lost time, resources, opportunities and relationship(s).
Real and complete healing/restoration occurs on 3 levels — Spirit, Soul and Body.
Here are three things to do when you are going through a heartbreak or significant loss:
#1: Don’t give up
First of, do not quit on life!
Do not throw in the towel.
Do not translate your experience into a destination.
Refuse to be defined by an event or a set back. Have a disposition that this loss will not define your life.
Remind yourself you will get over it…(him or her)
Remind yourself that your future will be greater than your present
Believe that light will shine again on you and in your heart.
#2: Get it Out
It is absolutely critical to get the pain.
While I know that this is a gradual process and takes time depending on the circumstance and severity of the hurt or pain.
Find an outlet…
For some it’s going to require some crying, screaming, time alone or counseling.
But I have also discovered one vital step that works in tandem with this step is to consciously choose to Forgive yourself as well.
This is the process where you shed off the past from within the soul…you will have to look at yourself and as you recall events consciously forgive yourself because we often forgive others and forget ourselves in the prison of self loathe and pity.
So, Forgive Yourself!
#3: Pour Into Others
I can’t fully explain how this works but I know it works. After you’ve forgiven yourself, find someone to cheer on or encourage on your life’s journey. There’s something therapeutic about helping others heal that invariably heals your own soul.
The story of Ruth, a married, woman who lost her soul mate, love of her life, and best friend after 10 years of marriage encapsulates this principle further. Despite her loss she chose to stay with her Mother in Law who was also dealing with the loss of her sons.
By choosing to pour into someone else, she set herself up to be healed invariably and restored.
Please share on Facebook, twitter or any where your friends are.
God bless you
Are you ready and available?
Relationships are complex and broad brush strokes. When applied to extremely complex situations is unfair, unimaginative and rarely helpful. There is a reason why many clichés and opinions do not help many people. Conversely, often times we complicate simple things by over-thinking or over-analyzing due to ignorance or limited information. I know this much is true; it is very easy to generalize and be dismissive in the same breadth when we discuss relationships. For example, when we say are you ready and available, what comes to mind? What do you think?
There are three possible outcomes when you are “Ready and Available”.
The first category: BRUISED AND BATTERED
There are those that have ventured out but have been burned significantly or emotionally battered:
You were once ready and available
You gave love a chance
Trusted him or her and eventually got burned (either got played, cheated on, left behind, treated badly etc)
Long story short, you are now in a bad place…
You are stuck between a hard place and a rock.
That’s no permanent place to be.It is an OK place to be but only for a short while.
First of all, you are going to need to heal.
You have to get back to 100% because where you are is surreal.It’s a dark place and perhaps comfortable but we need to get some light into that place, “your space”.
Light brings some clarity, illumination, fresh breath, new hope, new word, new possibilities. With light comes the strength to rebuild, retool, repair and refresh. Light allows you to get back to the place where you love yourself unconditionally.The place where you are okay with being yourself.
That place of serenity and calmness. Honestly, it makes sense if you don’t have time for everyone…and if relationship is the last thing on your mind. It’s OK, we understand because you need time to get better.
This place reminds me of Ruth…after she lost her husband, her livelihood, her companion, her neatly arranged, beautiful life. But she allowed light and wholesome words (advice from a seasoned mentor, Naomi to guide her through her nightmare. This might sound crazy but it is at this place of rebuilding, retooling, repairing and refreshing one’s spirit, soul and body that many find what they are looking for…the place of healing becomes the place of recovery and restoration. Isn’t that amazing that where one chooses to focus on being right is where one finds the right one? It’s true…
The second category: POISED OR RESTLESS
There are those that are truly ready financially, physically, psychologically but haven’t found the right one or haven’t been found yet. Often the folks in this category are either poised and confidently waiting or searching for the right one or fidgeting and worried about the future. These folks have a clear picture of what and who they want or need. It’s so clear…they can ‘see’ it. This group is poised and simply waiting for the right opportunity.
Yet, there are others that have these similar attributes but are restless and borderline paranoid. They are the folks who oscillate between the two extremes – some days are much better than the rest. They are often, conflicted and irritated with intense mood swings. They know their behaviour and actions do not make sense and also understand that their ‘back and forth’ is actually antagonistic to their long term goals but are unable to do something about it. They have those ‘kind-of’ days where the memories of the ‘EX’ blur the focus and perspective of the ‘NEXT’. Days when the past torments them more than the future excite them. Days so dark, you can grab the darkness.
Enough with the madness!
Stop already. It’s time to step away from that craziness and let some light in. Stop comparing yourself with your peers. Filter out the noise, especially negative noise. Forget the past. Release yourself from your ‘ex’ and focus on what’s next. Encourage yourself. Stop doubting yourself. Remind yourself
If Ruth (a widower) eventually found love then why won’t you? Why not you? Give me your reasons, watch me smash them as I ask you to embrace the possibilities of what will happen if you believe right and not what might happen.
The third category: TRAVELLER
These are the folks that are “Ready and Available” and on a journey. The folks in this category are experiencing the realities of a relationship and in some case looking forward to what’s ahead. Some are stuck and conflicted but are reluctantly going along for the ride. If you fall into the first category, focus on building, nurturing and growing your relationship. Guard against complacency and watch out for love killers by focusing on the little things that matter. To those on a journey but you still feel the void within your soul. It’s time to be honest and face the truth.
Ask yourself questions – those hard questions you’ve been avoiding such as:
Remember, the relationships are not really destinations in themselves but part of the process and really a journey. Make sure you know where you are going and that you’ve chosen the right individual as your companion. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for a “hell-on-earth” experience whereas you’ve been destined for heaven on earth.
It’s your choice, so choose wisely.
NB: Don’t forget to share this article with a friend that needs it. Pass the message on.
Image Sources: LoveQuotesImages