No Sex, It’s Over! A candid response to a common problem. (Must Read for Singles)

I was searching for an ideal title for this post and contemplated on the following, thanks to all who shared tips.

  • Seriously, You’re Not Having Sex?
  • Fact: Abstinence is Impossible in 2013.
  • Abstinence/Celibacy will keep you Single for the rest of your life.
  • No Sex, No Thank You!
  • No Sex, It’s Over.
  • Without Sex, There is no future in this relationship.

OK, anyone of these titles would work. By the way, let me warn you…
if you hate stories that really get to issues and do not tend to hide or pretend then you won’t like this one. So please don’t read on.

If you rather act the part, maintain the facade, then absolutely this story isn’t for you. This is a real story, the frequency of which, honestly is alarming especially with the associated silence from many. Honestly, the silence is literally ‘killing’ many people. So this is a ‘wake-up’ call-kinda story; it is more than wake up actually it has a “DO-Something-Now” component to it and we must start within our walls.

“James and Sophie have been an item, romantically linked for less than six (6) months before the first sign of sexual tension surfaced, needless-to-say despite James best intentions…his raging hormones like an inferno wanted an outlet. Those desires eventually became to intense to bear or ignore…silently James had hope this relationship would be void of this tension considering both parties are committed Christians and really love the vision and mission of their local church yet when the chips are down, the struggles continue.

Eventually, James seemingly incapable of hiding those feelings mentioned to Sophie that they should do what is ‘necessary’ and ‘common’ to many to keep their relationship going and hopefully move it to the next level. That particular evening, as James uttered his sexual desires/feelings for Sophie and his rationale for compromising his stance, Sophie caught off guard could barely speak. Crying, sad and confused she drove home and a placed a call to a pastor for help.

Her Story:
Why are men so predictable? Why can’t even the best of them honor, appreciate a lady’s vow of celibacy. She lamented further that she had been very cautisous about her dress style, her actions, their interactions, disposition etc so as not to lead James on.

Further more she blurted, what is wrong with me? Or is something wrong with me for choosing to be celibate? I just want to please God…”

I was the Pastor she called and here is my response. Coincidentally, this was this week’s feature of “Ask pFlo” on Relationships Do Matter. (JOIN/Sign Up today)

My Initial Response:
Sophie; do not think for a second that you are alone or think that those who maintain a vow of celibacy are literally digging their ‘graves’ as some would have one believe in today’s culture. I am aware that this invariably sets a ‘soft’ limit on potential suitors because many guys today want to literally ‘eat’ their cake and have it.

Celibacy is commendable, spiritual and pleasing in God’s sight. It is indeed the fruit and choice of a disciple/faithful follower and I agree it’s not an easy choice.

As we spoke I realized that Sophie’s vow of celibacy has been an admitted challenge, a taboo of sorts and personally a source of pain because of two failed relationships due to the same sexual overtones and demands. What Sophie didn’t anticipate was a similar occurrence by an ‘insider’. She had hoped celibacy would be easier to manage with like minded friends and fellow believers. Coincidentally, what attracted Sophie to James was his strong stance on this issue during bible study. If there was anyone who could ‘stand’ and resist this prevalent temptation that is endemic to this generation it had to be James. His passion is contagious and humility amazing. So how could it be? James was handpicked…he is the ‘chosen’ one!!!

The story (modified slightly to protect identities) captures one of the most popular question I am asked during teaching sessions, conferences, workshops online and offline. So when this question was posed ‘again’ on Monday privately, I know it is the right time to speak up again. We’ve spent some hours expounding on this issue already on the Relationships Do Matter Facebook and Google Page (click on the links to follow/join in)

Sophie’s question is valid; “why me? What can I do ? Why are some of these Christian guys like the others? I don’t want to compromise my stand please help!

Now, More Comments:
If your initial response is the generic ‘dump him and God will provide your own, you are not saying anything new. She’s heard that 2 times already, recall she’s moved on from 2 previous relationships. So let me ask a rhetorical question, can we blame the other ladies/girls who so readily and easily give it up in hope that the guys will be satisfied and never leave? Or is it the guys fault that there are many girls willing to give it up? Hence preying on easy women ?

Or perhaps, the fear that by demanding celibacy, many will run off has paralyzed many ladies? I am aware that many who have taken a celibate stance especially ladies get laughed at by others who ‘give it up’ and are heading to the altar. Valid questions, real issues so what shall we say ?

Culled from the conversations (RDM chat conversations) –
Some have been unequivocal in their stance and position below –

Just keep praying to God to bring her a genuine born again Christian guy. A guy that will not make her to fall. A guy that will lead her spiritually. I CAN CONFIDENTLY SAY THAT, there are genuine Christians guys out there, she just need to pray more and God will lead her to the right guy for her.


Another said, while some guys profess to be Christians, they probably lack understanding of what it means to be truly saved. They need more teaching on what is acceptable and appropriate in relationships. A BIG AMEN TO THAT, LET THEM US CALL WE CAN HELP.

Someone said, it’s the society’s fault as well as the Church and the men in general. WELL MAYBE!

To respond to the issue of the Church, as a Pastor I know what that entails: The church is a ‘laundromat’ of sorts – everyone is welcome but it is a place where many are trained, developed, disciplined, built up in righteousness. I must state that there is a direct correlation between study and approval. Paul (a mentor) told Timothy (2Tim) to STUDY God’s word so that he could SHOW himself approved. However length of duration required varies, some who arrived heavily soiled/stained indeed need more time, treatment, mentoring etc and there are some who are less stained and do not deal with some of the other ‘issues’ others might have…but regardless we all must come to God for cleansing, healing and restoration since we are all sinners saved by GRACE. So what or who or where do we go from here?

Honestly, we are living in precarious times…
These times are challenging times with diverse variables: a permissive culture, easy women, desperate women, open society which are all products of time, changing time.

In this case, I will ask the lady to do the following:

  1. Remain hopeful and prayerful.
  2. Join Relationship Do Matter Global Network (details below on how to connect on Social Media)
  3. Remain committed to her stance to be celibate.
  4. Remain faithful to the Word of God and service in God’s house.
  5. Tell James he should attend the next Relationship Matters Workshop (Inquire further) to be mentored in accordance to Titus 2; “Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world”.

When I get the opportunity to chat with James,
I will remind him on some of these truths:

  1. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 – Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
  2. James 4:17 – Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth [it] not, to him it is sin.
  3. Ephesians 6:10-18 – Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
  4. Hebrews 4:15 – For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as [we are, yet] without sin.
  5. Each man must learn to possess his own body with wisdom.
  6. Do not fall for the lie that your manhood is tied to how many women you’ve conquered.
  7. Obeying God (being celibate as a single) is very sexy.
  8. And ask him to memorize the popular song, “If you love me, you will wait for me”, because TRUE LOVE waits.

So do you agree, what else will you say to Sophie, James and others…





Marriage = Hard Work; So Roll Up Your Sleeves.

It has been an interesting week and just before the weekend kicks off I wanted to stir the pot. For many who so desperately long for marriage, let me break the news to you as gently as possible.

Marriage requires a lot of hard work. It’s indeed a ‘what you put into it, is what you get proposition’. Don’t panic! I didn’t say Marriage is impossible, I simply said it demands your commitment and that’s hard work. By hard work, I am simply stating the obvious and preparing you for what lies ahead. Hard work doesn’t eliminate the fun, passion, excitement and fulfilment but it means ‘children’ should be barred from engaging in it until they are matured enough to appreciate and enjoy working hard for marriage will not work for the immature, lazy, selfish and self absorbed.

If you’ve ever bought a piece of furniture that requires assembly especially those in multiple boxes then you can probably relate. Within those boxes (holding your beautiful pieces of furniture) are instruction booklets. Here’s the obvious, your beautiful furniture is dependent on your adherence, strict adherence to the series of instructions (including recommended tools, sequence etc).

If you trivialize the assembly process, you create a ‘monster’.
If you second-guess the instructions, you waste time.
If you outsource the instructions, you display your lack of knowledge.

Actually, your absolute adherence doesn’t make you dumb, it confirms your wisdom. It saves you time, it makes you happy and fulfilled. I can see you smiling already.

So why don’t we apply the same approach to these ‘marriage’ instructions?
Roll up your sleeves.
Make some room.
Place a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door.
Now read below.

Here are the four ‘Must Dos’ for Every Husband. (Single Men, take note and confirm if you are ready)
Using the perfect allegory from Eph 5:25-28 (MSG)

Husbands, go all out in your LOVE for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—

  1. A love marked by GIVING not GETTING.
  2. A love that makes the bride WHOLE (proud, bold, confident and assured).
  3. Your WORDS must EVOKE her beauty consistently.
  4. Everything you do and say is designed to bring the BEST out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness,

That is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

Wives surprisingly, here is the one ‘Must do’. (Single Ladies, read below to confirm if you are ready)

Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise SUBMIT to their husbands (not to another man, only your husband please).

Let’s agree to disagree, but these are non-negotiable.
Now are you ready for hard work, oops marriage?