Tag Archives: marriage

“SIZZLING HOT” MARRIAGE – A perfect valentine’s day gift for married couples.

HOT MARRIAGE or HOT MONOGAMY sounds like an oxymoron and often we allude HOT to only a DATE, A PERSON or an AFFAIR.

There is a place for a HOT MARRIAGE.

I have been married for more than 15 years and honestly the novelty of a bouquet of roses, candies or perfumes as an ideal valentine’s day gift has worn off. I have to be more creative than that, it does help that my spouse doesn’t really rank those items as critical must haves anymore so that helps but guys if your spouse considers those as must haves, the smart play is to get one or all in addition with this special gift I am recommending.

For us, with the parental responsibilities, work, career, ministry work we are involved in, creating legacy comes to mind as the ultimate focus and being in the same ‘space’ carries more credence than presents. So for us, moving from PRESENTS to PRESENCE is logical. Or like I love to say in my coaching work, the right play for us is moving from being ‘everywhere’ a generalist to being ‘in the moment’.

It’s about enjoying the moments, the jokes, making mistakes and enjoy the process of correction, change and growth. Before you run off thinking how easy this sounds let me summarize common themes from our marriage that I know is applicable to almost all marriages.

Here are some facts we can all agree on -

  1. Marriage is hard and tedious work.
  2. Marriage is not for the immature.
  3. Marriage demands focus and grit.
  4. Marriage works best when both parties are committed to the same goals.
  5. Marriage is God’s idea and it’s marvelous, special and glorious. In addition, it will require God’s grace and power as well.
  6. Marriage demands faithfulness, selflessness and the ability to handle boredom and routine.

If I may, let me encourage all the married readers to consider giving your spouses the gift of a SIZZLING HOT MARRIAGE.

So here are some pointers from Kristen Welch @WeareTHATfamily from her article, “Habits of a Hot Marriage in the Middle of Motherhood and Monotony”. She mentioned how habits take some time to develop and often times require 21 days or more. Try the following six habits for the next month and see what happens she dares. Why don’t we take this dare on?

Daily Habits:

  • Touch everyday: Make a conscious effort to grab his hand, run your hands through her hair, kiss for a couple of seconds. Set a goal to physically touch his arm when you’re talking, tackle him in a hug in your closet, pat her butt on the way out the door.
  • Be good forgivers: Perhaps the most crucial key is forgiveness. Listen, marriage is the union of two people prone to mistakes and sin. You can’t control your spouse, but you can forgive. Refuse to pick them apart, turn molehills into mountains and wave the banner of unforgiveness.
  • Make the little things big: The other day, my husband gave me a card and a new wallet, just because. It was a small thing, but it made a big impression. I knew he was thinking about me when we were apart. Connecting with your spouse in small ways that makes them feel loved is a big deal.
  • Fill our minds with thoughts of each other:  Let’s be honest, we live in a world where it’s easy to fill up our tank with outside influences. From the pretty girl in the office or in the magazine to the romantic, handsome guy in the novel we’re reading or movie we’re watching, there are many ways to get satisfaction outside of our spouse. Lust is ignited with a second look. But when we only let our mate fill up our tank, we are on the path to a marriage that is not only white hot, but holy.
  • Go to bed at the same time: While this might not be possible every night, this habit is important because it is a quiet time to connect. Texting and chatting on the phone are a good substitute if you have to be a part. Nearly missing each other constantly brings a chaos to your home that isn’t healthy for your marriage or family.
  • Compliment each other:  This might sound like a no-brainer, but 500 people can like my new hair cut and none of the compliments mean as much as his. Seeing him look at me — really look and watch attraction ignite in his eyes is amazing. We were shopping the other day and I casually pointed out the green t-shirt on sale and said, “That would look good on you.” My daughter tried to convince him to get the red one and I overheard him tell her, “No, mom likes the green.” Your influence over your spouse is powerful, use it to bless them.

Kristen honestly declared that they get it right some days and miss the mark other days. But we never give up. Click to read her entire article on HuffPost

So married couples let this Valentine’s Day be one where focus is placed on the legacy of your union, the sanctity of your marriage and the beautiful yet undiscovered fun and joy in your homes.

We are going to give it a go as well…I’ll remind you weekly for the next 3-4 weeks. Do it! You can do it.

-Flo
@holyflo
www.relationshipsdomatter.com

“THIS FRAME DIDN’T LOOK LIKE IT EITHER.” – Sinmisola Ogúnyinka

All that glitters isn’t gold! A popular adage that captures a myopic viewpoint on life and relationship matters. I have heard many similar painful stories, seen many heart breaks. This story is a stern reminder, so please look hard before you jump. Enjoy!

I met this couple a few years back. Sweet-looking things, if you ask me. I thought the wife, Tomi Feyiji, was the most beautiful thing created since Eve. I assume Eve must have been the epitome of female perfection. God wanted to impress Adam, right? Sola Feyiji fitted his wife. He was tall, milk-chocolate, muscular, and polished. The kind of man every woman wanted to take home to her parents. Well, former university queen, Tomi, took him home.

When I met them, they had been married for six years and had a lovely three-year old daughter. Suffice to say, Tomi looked like she’d never had a child. In our church at that time, the class thing was huge, and Sola and Tomi rocked the centre. Tomi was the elegant first lady of her husband’s world. She did nothing but spend her days looking good, and the nights gracing her millionaire husband’s arm at the most prestigious gatherings. Sola spent his life making more and more money as a software developer. People saw them as the couple made in heaven. I did too.

Until I was ‘privileged’ to become their house fellowship leader, a job I did for six hellish months. Sola and Tomi lived in a gated estate in Ikeja with their three-year old daughter, Temi, and eight uniformed staff. As the house fellowship pastor, I visited all my members in the neighborhood an hour before fellowship started, encouraging them to attend. The first few weeks after the centre opened proved to be difficult for me. Tomi was heavily pregnant and prone to crazy mood switches, even during the fellowship. On more than one occasion, I came to the house to find the couple in the middle of a heated argument. So heated, I asked the butler to turn members away. Why did they offer their house for cell fellowship when they knew they were like… this? When I complained to the house fellowship pastor, he explained the church needed the location to attract members from that exclusive estate. But what a mistake it turned out to be. House fellowship in the Feyijis’ house closed three months after Tomi delivered a bouncing baby boy. The family had been given a date for their boy’s coming to church. The day before, as the house fellowship leader, I went to visit. I knew an event planner was in charge of the party so I had no ‘help’ to render in preparation of the party the following day. But to fulfill all righteousness, I visited.

Something must have happened before I got there. When I arrived, the butler and was cowering somewhere, and wanted me to get to the couple and intervene. There was noise everywhere. I heard Tomi screaming, and breaking things. Sola cursed intermittently. I only took a moment to get incoherent details from the butler. Confused and angry, I ran into their bedroom, it wasn’t my first time there to settle a fight, and stopped short. I had never seen anything so crazy outside of Hollywood, and Nollywood.

Tomi had the baby dangling by one leg in her hand. A knife in her other hand. Sola was shouting at the top of his voice that he’d kill her if she harmed his son. The baby was screaming and sweating profusely, and Temi hugged her teddy, and cried at one corner of the room. I died several times. “Put the baby down, Sister Tomi, please. Put the knife down.” She screamed something I didn’t hear. And flung the baby in the direction of the husband. People told me I was fat. But that day, I proved the Yoruba saying: a body doesn’t get so huge the owner cannot lift it. I don’t know where the speed came from. I dove in front of Sola, who had ducked because he thought she threw the knife, and caught the baby before he hit the marble floor. No one died, thank God. But I hit my head on the floor, and the baby got away with a broken arm where part of my weight fell on him as I tried to shield him from the hard floor.

Need I say the party didn’t hold the following day? Who could have ever imagined this beautiful frame called Tomi was capable of such madness?

Click for more information: Sinmisola Ogúnyinka’s Books
Facebook: Sinmisola Ogunyinka’s Books
Twitter: @sinmisolaog

Image Licensed under the creative commons license, epSos.de as the original author.

“Alone in the City”

Sometimes, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done to get something you’ve never had.

A few weeks ago I challenged a single lady…to stop complaining and doing the same things she did in 2013. I was adamant that she had to do something different in 2014. Well, well…what came out of it surprised me. She offered to share her ramblings including mode swings, prayers, expectations, fears, challenges, concerns, questions and stories weekly while offering the public a chance to weigh in as well.

She’s educated, matured, 30-40ish, christian lady and believe me we’ve decided to talk about anything. Nothing is off limit, or too sacred…and the kicker is there is absolutely no scripting whatsoever. She has the benefit of anonimity to be herself and so without much ado, I know each week will present it’s own share of fun, challenge and insight. Honestly, I can’t tell you how this ends…because I don’t know so why don’t we go on this journey together? I hope you tag along…it starts next week, Wednesday January 22nd. Excited? Absolutely, you should.
@PstFlo

Her Introduction –

Hello dear friends of Relationships Do Matter (RDM) -
Recently, I decided to take Pastor Flo’s advice to stop doing the same things regarding my dating life in 2014. I mean, if I want to get out of living single and into marriage, I might actually have to leave my house, right? So far, The One hasn’t crashed through my roof so I guess he’s out there somewhere, waiting for me to meet him halfway or he has been searching for me, who knows.

Me: I am a spontaneous, witty, funny late 30ish lady currently based in one of the cold regions in the US and and things can get really slow around these parts. I think I’m a decent-looking girl with some fashion sense. So I don’t understand why weeks go by, and not even a wink from a guy, any guy! Like a friend once said, “I don’t understand. It’s like I’m a ghost”. I know that being single is not a status and really means being content with the life I have but I have struggles.

This column is about me taking the bull by its horns this year. I’m going to try different things since the everyday “girl bumps into guy, they fall in love” scenario is not quite working (where I live, I’m more likely to bump into a snowbank). I will try online dating, I will not say no to any friends, family or strangers who want to play matchmaker, and I will not judge any guy until I’ve been out with him at least twice.

Your role, my dear readers, here is to help me along this journey. I will need your opinions and your advice. You will help me spot the red flags. You will tell me if I’m being overly picky.

I’m excited about this next phase of my life and look forward to sharing it with you. Pastor Flo (@holyflo) will be the voice of wisdom on this forum/exchange/conversation and will help us all tie our loose ends together. If there is a heated debate, his will be the calm voice that will bring folks back to order.

I look forward to the next few months and invite you to be a voice on this journey.

Connect with RDM, here:
Follow Blog: www.relationshipsdomatter.com
Like us RDM on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/relationshipsdomatter
Follow on Twitter: https://twitter.com/relationshipsdm

It will be fun, I hope !?!
Bye for now.
I am “Alone in the City” (c)

Relationships Do Matter, 2014

“I want to be SIX again.” – Joke

“Misunderstood Again”



A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop and the Wall of Fear–everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie – the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” One eye opened. The wife said, “You idiot, I meant my dress size!” The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he “might” still get it wrong. So make sure you understand what you hear.

5 Secrets to a Happy Marriage By Sarah B. Weir, Yahoo! blogger (Shine)

In 25 years of studying marriage, Dr. Terri Orbuch, research professor at the University of Michigan and author of the new book “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship,” has found that some of the best relationship advice comes from people who are actually divorced.

WATCH: Is this the Most Epic Marriage Proposal?

In 1986, Orbuch embarked on a long-term study, supported by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), which followed the relationships of 373 newlyweds. By 2012, 46% had divorced, about the same as the national average. In interviews with Orbuch, people who had divorced or ended a serious relationship over and over again brought up the same five issues that they would improve if they had the chance to do it all again.

Read the rest of the story here: 5 Secrets to a Happy Marriage.

Marriage = Hard Work; So Roll Up Your Sleeves.

It has been an interesting week and just before the weekend kicks off I wanted to stir the pot. For many who so desperately long for marriage, let me break the news to you as gently as possible.

Marriage requires a lot of hard work. It’s indeed a ‘what you put into it, is what you get proposition’. Don’t panic! I didn’t say Marriage is impossible, I simply said it demands your commitment and that’s hard work. By hard work, I am simply stating the obvious and preparing you for what lies ahead. Hard work doesn’t eliminate the fun, passion, excitement and fulfilment but it means ‘children’ should be barred from engaging in it until they are matured enough to appreciate and enjoy working hard for marriage will not work for the immature, lazy, selfish and self absorbed.

Manual:
If you’ve ever bought a piece of furniture that requires assembly especially those in multiple boxes then you can probably relate. Within those boxes (holding your beautiful pieces of furniture) are instruction booklets. Here’s the obvious, your beautiful furniture is dependent on your adherence, strict adherence to the series of instructions (including recommended tools, sequence etc).

If you trivialize the assembly process, you create a ‘monster’.
If you second-guess the instructions, you waste time.
If you outsource the instructions, you display your lack of knowledge.

Actually, your absolute adherence doesn’t make you dumb, it confirms your wisdom. It saves you time, it makes you happy and fulfilled. I can see you smiling already.

So why don’t we apply the same approach to these ‘marriage’ instructions?
Roll up your sleeves.
Make some room.
Place a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door.
Now read below.

Here are the four ‘Must Dos’ for Every Husband. (Single Men, take note and confirm if you are ready)
Using the perfect allegory from Eph 5:25-28 (MSG)

Husbands, go all out in your LOVE for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—

  1. A love marked by GIVING not GETTING.
  2. A love that makes the bride WHOLE (proud, bold, confident and assured).
  3. Your WORDS must EVOKE her beauty consistently.
  4. Everything you do and say is designed to bring the BEST out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness,

That is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

Wives surprisingly, here is the one ‘Must do’. (Single Ladies, read below to confirm if you are ready)

Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise SUBMIT to their husbands (not to another man, only your husband please).

Let’s agree to disagree, but these are non-negotiable.
Now are you ready for hard work, oops marriage?
pFlo

“An Open Letter”

Dear “S”,

It’s starting to feel like Spring. I hope and trust this meets you well. This is a follow up to our conversation about your journey, yep that ‘relationship’ journey filled with its numerous challenges and fun. LOL! I understand the expectations, the dos and don’ts’. Does it get easier, you ask?

Well, I know how you feel. I really do feel your pain; you’re struggling, pressured, overwhelmed and frustrated. I sense your desire to give up, you’ve said it numerous times that it’s probably better to be average than go all out. You posit that it’s easier that way; easier to deal with anguish, disappointments, failures and intermittent victories if you are average. Maybe it won’t hurt that much…

If I can just be honest for a moment, average and it’s dull amber lights teases you to succumb to it’s lies, it’s easy it seems considering how common and popular it is. I do admit that there is a tendency to assume here and as I speak to others just like you, there is no denying the fact that this is one of the biggest issues many singles face daily. The monster called peer pressure, the pressure to succumb to the majority, to fit in and to be accepted.

Can we just talk ? Can I be frank?
Why bother you ask?

Why bother confronting average, a state many would rather assume is ideal?

Why be different when it’s easier to blend in?

Well, before you tune me out understand that isn’t about the past; our past is past but about the wondrous opportunities in our future. Ever since I met Grace, my perspective has changed. For this ‘Grace’ in the book of Titus 2, verse 11- 15 appeared with an agenda for mankind and quickly became to teach all what and how to deny, embrace, accept, adopt and display. See in my line of work mentoring, counseling and raising singles and leaders, I have realized it’s not about ease or convenience but obedience.

The injunction to stand out is not convenient at all.

You know this much don’t you?

  • It has never been easy to walk by faith in this generation and culture.
  • It has never been easy to live righteously.
  • It has never been easy to make a difference.
  • It has never been easy to do what God‘s word requires, demands, expects, commands and instructs.

Honestly, it has never been easy, so forget easy. It’s always been by Grace.

Join me for an hour long free tele-conference, it’s an hour long ‘Not for the faint of heart’, Sex & Single Conversation where all singles, Christ followers are challenged to step up and set a new standard for this generation! Don’t hide, don’t give in, don’t dismiss it…issues, questions and much more. I know you’ve got many questions and I think we better talk. Check it out first, keep your opinions at bay, click here – http://eepurl.com/jRyW5

 

PS: Some of the lessons for a successful relationship include numerous biblical insights, quotes, ideas with an appreciation of both sexes, male and female as well as wise counsel from my mentors who paved the way. These insights are in my new book, ‘Relationships Do Matter’ and from which I will be sharing with you on the free conference call. So what are you waiting for?

pF*

 

New Book: “Relationships-do-Matter” Coming Soon!

Relationships happen! Sometimes, they happen naturally and in some cases spontaneously, but making them LAST takes effort, insight and wisdom. In my book, “Relationships do Matter”, the tools necessary to sustain relationships are introduced in a deliberate attempt to extend the ongoing conversations on Relationships.

This is a must have, must read book because:

  • Relationships Matter!!!
  • Relationships do Matter!!!
  • Relationships really do Matter!!!

…filled with insightful, honest and practical biblical truths for those in relationship(s) (married, engaged, dating or just friends) or those ready for a relationship. Well, the wait is almost over.

Available March 22nd, 2012; Pre-order your copy now (EMAIL)