Tag Archives: relationships

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Don’t ignite the old flames. #AffairProof Series

Here’s the question … “Should or Can I be friends with my OLD FLAME (single, married, divorced, widowed) on social media”?

My first answer is ask your spouse or fiancée.
My second is NO….even if I don’t have all the facts about the specifics, context and background.
My third, even when I have more information is still remain NO.

Here’s why- social media’s dark side…harbors inappropriate behavior which could lead to lust and eventually sin.

A wise king in the bible admonished us to never arouse love, passion prematurely in the book of Ecclesiastes and it’s safe to apply this same principle to a past lover, relationship or marriage.

Psychologists report an increase in stressed relationships due in part to increased online, casual relationships. For many, it starts as a casual discussion, a business transaction, a search for a confidant, a ‘let me say hi’ intention and such noble intentions but what invariably develops threatens the ‘real’ and established relationships, I have observed marriages destroyed and engagements called off due to such discreet affairs.

However, a good rule of the thumb to observe is setting boundaries, drawing a line.
Here are pointers to help you identify if you have crossed the line –

You share intimate secrets about your relationship, marriage with the other party.
You seek intimate counsel from each other.
You introduce a third or forth character into your marital bed.
You make subtle comparisons between your ‘social friend’ and your spouse.
You spend excessive hours online alone and away from your spouse.

And here are additional tips by Ms Marjie Killeen Wilmette (author and contributor to the online group makeitbetter.net), these signs she wrote are definitely signs one’s online relationship has crossed the line:
You think about the ‘social friend’ all the time, and constantly await emails, likes, RTs and texts.
You fantasize about your ex, and find ways to bring him or her up in your conversations.
You start seeing your marriage differently; feel it’s lacking, begin to find fault with your SPOUSE.
You wonder if you and your old flame were really meant to be together again.
You keep your social interaction/relationship a secret from your spouse.
You make plans to meet your ex in person.

So what do you think? Be honest!

It’s your choice, will you make your relationship (marriage, dating, engagement etc) healthy? If yes, then don’t cross these lines…because #Relationships really Do Matter.

“It is absolutely OK not to have Sex” – Phin Lyman

 

It's Ok to Say No.
The Value of Virginity

Abstinence sounds like an impossibility today, but I dare say you’ve got to think again because it’s possible. Here’s a teenager taking a stand to be different. Below are some excerpts from his article-

  1. “Once you have sex with someone, you’re connected to them emotionally and physically,”Phin​ wrote.
  2. “If you tear that bond the rip leaves open scars where the glue once was. That’s why ‘casual sex’ never works in the long term – it just doesn’t.”

​On his parents’ efforts – ​

  1. “My parents always talked to me about the value of waiting,” he says.
  2. Many parents, in his view, are too keen to ignore what’s happening once their kids start having sex. “They just don’t want to know. Say a guy brings a girl over to the house … they just look the other way. It’s easier.”

​On ​Sex Education

  1. Sex education has also hindered rather than helped, in Phin’s view.
  2. “I don’t know whether it’s being done properly at all. I learned how to put a condom on a dildo when I was 13, but really it should be much more about what you’re taking on emotionally, what sex is going to mean. The problem with the way it’s taught in school is it’s all about the physical stuff, and I think that’s why young people think sex is just sex, whereas it really isn’t … the mechanical stuff has been overplayed, and that’s made people think it’s just about a physical thing.”

Encouraging news: ​Survey shows that 27% of young men aged 15 to 24 have never had any form of sexual contact; and that’s up from 2002 when the figure was 22%.” As he says in his article: “I guess I’m not the only crazy guy around after all.” ​​ ​Click below for the full stor​y…​its a great read.​

Sources:

  1. http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/08/value-of-virginity
  2. http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/07/teenagers-its-ok-not-to-have-sex-phin-lyman?CMP=fb_gu

#Relationships Matter. #RDM

Alone in the City 4 | Relationships Do Matter

Alone in the City 4 | Relationships Do Matter

When the rubber meets the road, what do you do? This is a recent issue that was brought to my attention for counsel/advice. This issue of social drinking and oftentimes heavy drinking of alcoholic beverages of various kinds amongst ‘saints’ has become a new craze and trend it seems. Is this worrisome? Frightening? I think it demands our attention.

What should this single, mature lady do?

  1. Should she wait until he proposes before bringing up her concerns?
  2. Should she wait till after the wedding?
  3. Should she keep quiet and continue to manage the situation?
  4. Should she make her move ‘now’ and demand/assist her boyfriend in getting help ?

Here’s the Issue:

After some months of long distance dating and with everything going so smoothly and all, the couple decided it’s time to take their relationship to the next level and move closer to each other (thereby eliminating the distance) and affording them the opportunity to spend more time getting ready for a life of bliss (marriage) together. Things fell into place when the girlfriend finally got a job closer to her boyfriend’s city of abode. By relocating, she is much closer to boyfriend (same city not same dwelling) and less than a week after relocating she discovers her Christian boyfriend’s well conceived secret, she discovers her boyfriend is a classic drunk (someone who drinks socially but on occasion gets ‘wasted’ – drunk, incoherent and out of control.

So “What” should this single, mature and ready (38 years old) lady do?

Alone in the City 4

RDM Production

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Married and Dating – Jarrid Wilson

An intriguing write up by Jarrid Wilson. Please read his story before you form an opinion. First of, the definition of dating…

“Dating is a time where you get to learn about someone in a special and unique way. Why would you want that to ever stop? It shouldn’t. Those butterflies you got on the first date shouldn’t stop just because the years have passed.”

Why don’t you read the entire story? dating, while married

“SIZZLING HOT” MARRIAGE – A perfect valentine’s day gift for married couples.

HOT MARRIAGE or HOT MONOGAMY sounds like an oxymoron and often we allude HOT to only a DATE, A PERSON or an AFFAIR.

There is a place for a HOT MARRIAGE.

I have been married for more than 15 years and honestly the novelty of a bouquet of roses, candies or perfumes as an ideal valentine’s day gift has worn off. I have to be more creative than that, it does help that my spouse doesn’t really rank those items as critical must haves anymore so that helps but guys if your spouse considers those as must haves, the smart play is to get one or all in addition with this special gift I am recommending.

For us, with the parental responsibilities, work, career, ministry work we are involved in, creating legacy comes to mind as the ultimate focus and being in the same ‘space’ carries more credence than presents. So for us, moving from PRESENTS to PRESENCE is logical. Or like I love to say in my coaching work, the right play for us is moving from being ‘everywhere’ a generalist to being ‘in the moment’.

It’s about enjoying the moments, the jokes, making mistakes and enjoy the process of correction, change and growth. Before you run off thinking how easy this sounds let me summarize common themes from our marriage that I know is applicable to almost all marriages.

Here are some facts we can all agree on –

  1. Marriage is hard and tedious work.
  2. Marriage is not for the immature.
  3. Marriage demands focus and grit.
  4. Marriage works best when both parties are committed to the same goals.
  5. Marriage is God’s idea and it’s marvelous, special and glorious. In addition, it will require God’s grace and power as well.
  6. Marriage demands faithfulness, selflessness and the ability to handle boredom and routine.

If I may, let me encourage all the married readers to consider giving your spouses the gift of a SIZZLING HOT MARRIAGE.

So here are some pointers from Kristen Welch @WeareTHATfamily from her article, “Habits of a Hot Marriage in the Middle of Motherhood and Monotony”. She mentioned how habits take some time to develop and often times require 21 days or more. Try the following six habits for the next month and see what happens she dares. Why don’t we take this dare on?

Daily Habits:

  • Touch everyday: Make a conscious effort to grab his hand, run your hands through her hair, kiss for a couple of seconds. Set a goal to physically touch his arm when you’re talking, tackle him in a hug in your closet, pat her butt on the way out the door.
  • Be good forgivers: Perhaps the most crucial key is forgiveness. Listen, marriage is the union of two people prone to mistakes and sin. You can’t control your spouse, but you can forgive. Refuse to pick them apart, turn molehills into mountains and wave the banner of unforgiveness.
  • Make the little things big: The other day, my husband gave me a card and a new wallet, just because. It was a small thing, but it made a big impression. I knew he was thinking about me when we were apart. Connecting with your spouse in small ways that makes them feel loved is a big deal.
  • Fill our minds with thoughts of each other:  Let’s be honest, we live in a world where it’s easy to fill up our tank with outside influences. From the pretty girl in the office or in the magazine to the romantic, handsome guy in the novel we’re reading or movie we’re watching, there are many ways to get satisfaction outside of our spouse. Lust is ignited with a second look. But when we only let our mate fill up our tank, we are on the path to a marriage that is not only white hot, but holy.
  • Go to bed at the same time: While this might not be possible every night, this habit is important because it is a quiet time to connect. Texting and chatting on the phone are a good substitute if you have to be a part. Nearly missing each other constantly brings a chaos to your home that isn’t healthy for your marriage or family.
  • Compliment each other:  This might sound like a no-brainer, but 500 people can like my new hair cut and none of the compliments mean as much as his. Seeing him look at me — really look and watch attraction ignite in his eyes is amazing. We were shopping the other day and I casually pointed out the green t-shirt on sale and said, “That would look good on you.” My daughter tried to convince him to get the red one and I overheard him tell her, “No, mom likes the green.” Your influence over your spouse is powerful, use it to bless them.

Kristen honestly declared that they get it right some days and miss the mark other days. But we never give up. Click to read her entire article on HuffPost

So married couples let this Valentine’s Day be one where focus is placed on the legacy of your union, the sanctity of your marriage and the beautiful yet undiscovered fun and joy in your homes.

We are going to give it a go as well…I’ll remind you weekly for the next 3-4 weeks. Do it! You can do it.

-Flo
@holyflo
www.relationshipsdomatter.com

“How Do You Define Yourself” – Lizzie Velasquez

What defines you?
So how do you define yourself?
By your status?
Or by your influence?
Or by your family name, influence?
Or by your acumen?

Here’s one of my favorite videos, I hope it challenges you and force you to start defining yourself by the purpose, gifts, calling and intentions that God has deposited inside you.
Thank God it’s Friday!

“Alone in the City”

Sometimes, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done to get something you’ve never had.

A few weeks ago I challenged a single lady…to stop complaining and doing the same things she did in 2013. I was adamant that she had to do something different in 2014. Well, well…what came out of it surprised me. She offered to share her ramblings including mode swings, prayers, expectations, fears, challenges, concerns, questions and stories weekly while offering the public a chance to weigh in as well.

She’s educated, matured, 30-40ish, christian lady and believe me we’ve decided to talk about anything. Nothing is off limit, or too sacred…and the kicker is there is absolutely no scripting whatsoever. She has the benefit of anonimity to be herself and so without much ado, I know each week will present it’s own share of fun, challenge and insight. Honestly, I can’t tell you how this ends…because I don’t know so why don’t we go on this journey together? I hope you tag along…it starts next week, Wednesday January 22nd. Excited? Absolutely, you should.
@PstFlo

Her Introduction –

Hello dear friends of Relationships Do Matter (RDM) –
Recently, I decided to take Pastor Flo’s advice to stop doing the same things regarding my dating life in 2014. I mean, if I want to get out of living single and into marriage, I might actually have to leave my house, right? So far, The One hasn’t crashed through my roof so I guess he’s out there somewhere, waiting for me to meet him halfway or he has been searching for me, who knows.

Me: I am a spontaneous, witty, funny late 30ish lady currently based in one of the cold regions in the US and and things can get really slow around these parts. I think I’m a decent-looking girl with some fashion sense. So I don’t understand why weeks go by, and not even a wink from a guy, any guy! Like a friend once said, “I don’t understand. It’s like I’m a ghost”. I know that being single is not a status and really means being content with the life I have but I have struggles.

This column is about me taking the bull by its horns this year. I’m going to try different things since the everyday “girl bumps into guy, they fall in love” scenario is not quite working (where I live, I’m more likely to bump into a snowbank). I will try online dating, I will not say no to any friends, family or strangers who want to play matchmaker, and I will not judge any guy until I’ve been out with him at least twice.

Your role, my dear readers, here is to help me along this journey. I will need your opinions and your advice. You will help me spot the red flags. You will tell me if I’m being overly picky.

I’m excited about this next phase of my life and look forward to sharing it with you. Pastor Flo (@holyflo) will be the voice of wisdom on this forum/exchange/conversation and will help us all tie our loose ends together. If there is a heated debate, his will be the calm voice that will bring folks back to order.

I look forward to the next few months and invite you to be a voice on this journey.

Connect with RDM, here:
Follow Blog: www.relationshipsdomatter.com
Like us RDM on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/relationshipsdomatter
Follow on Twitter: https://twitter.com/relationshipsdm

It will be fun, I hope !?!
Bye for now.
I am “Alone in the City” (c)

Relationships Do Matter, 2014