Am I settling, when I settle down?

There is a tension between settling and settling down!

“…some women in their twenties leave good relationships based on an elusive feeling that they could find something more with someone else, and they regret it down the road when their choices dwindle. It’s not that women aren’t willing to settle; it’s that many refuse to recognize that their vision of the perfect man doesn’t match reality.”

 – Kristine Huntley’s review on Lori Gottlieb’s book, “Marry Him, The Case for Settling For Mr. Good Enough”.

Every single ought to know these truths: 

  • There is a difference between settling and settling down.
  • There are no perfect human beings, hence no perfect relationships, spouses, marriages (don’t let the social media posts on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram rile you up.
  • All successful relationships embrace to some degree the notion of settling within settling down.
  • And, yes…there is a real struggle to be won between “SETTLING” and “SETTLING DOWN”.

Natural Inclination – FEAR OF SETTLING:
We are so afraid of settling!
Yet, most of us will eventually have to settle to settle down at some point, so we must apply great care to ensure the concept of settling down is not destroyed because we all settle.

  • I am concerned by people blinded by this fear who continue to block and prevent great relationships from developing and in some cases have inadvertently destroyed ‘wonderful’ opportunities.
  • I am concerned by some’s inability to separate fantasy from reality.
  • I am concerned that the pragmatic approach needed in some relationships have been renamed.
  • I am concerned by the heartaches, loneliness, disappointments, regrets and failed relationships.
Let’s Talk:
  1. I don’t want you living in fear of settling.
  2. I want to let you know that ALL relationships start and thrive by the delicate balance between  the pragmatic desire of “SETTLING DOWN” with the notion of “SETTLING”. In order words, most great relationships and marriages go through the process of ‘SETTLING’ to arrive at “SETTLING DOWN”.
  3. Isn’t it time to carefully appropriate these hugely popular quotes and clichés as some of them especially on “SETTLING” need to be understood and applied within the right context(s). Consider this popular quote:

REALLY? NEVER SETTLE?? I disagree!

I do however agree with the next two images (message) though:

settle

What is important is ensuring that when we settle, we do so correctly and for the right reasons. As a side note, I am reminded that when one falls in love with someone, accepting their shortcomings does not feel like settling. Isn’t that the truth?

So are you settling when you settle down? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Settle Down

I want to hear from you, let know your thoughts, do you agree or disagree?

Resources (articles & more to consider): 

  1. Why I think those who settle will eventually cheat -http://madamenoire.com/216077/the-danger-of-marrying-for-practical-purposes-why-i-think-those-who-settle-are-potential-cheaters/ 
  2. 4 Reasons not to settle
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-love-and-war/201404/4-reasons-not-settle-in-relationship

 

 

 

  • Listen to “Stop Making EXCUSES

 

Remember #RelationshipMatters!

Author: ‘Flo Falayi, Ph.D.(c) is the founder of RelationshipMatters & HybridLeaders.  He is married with kids and passionate about Leadership, Singles, Relationships and helping people maximize their life & relationships. Flo hosts and speaks at conferences, seminars and events locally and internationally.

Follow Flo On Twitter; @holyflo
Subscribe to the Leadership & Relationship Newsletter, click HERE

Am I settling, when I settle down?

[New Post] 25 Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas #Tips

25+ Valentine Gift IdeasValentine’s Day is a few days away and the buildup continues…listed below are some gift ideas ranging from the simple to slightly moderate and a few moderate to hard ones. I hope the list stirs your creativity as you celebrate the one(s) you love.

 Easy-Moderate Effort

  1. Cake or Cookies
  2. Candies
  3. Books – Audio, E-Book or Print
  4. Scented or Unscented Candles
  5. Chocolates
  6. Flowers – Roses
  7. Perfumes
  8. Valentine’s Cards
  9. Gadgets
  10. Tools & Kitchen Utensils
  11. Gym Subscriptions
  12. Spa Treatments
  13. Clothing, Shirts, Briefs & Intimates
  14. Jewelry
  15. Cooking Books, Apps and Books
  16. Movie Tickets
  17. DVDs
  18. Donate to Charity in someone’s name

Valentine'sDay

 

 

 

 

 

Moderate-Hard Effort

  1. Create a “Breakfast in Bed” package
  2. Create a personalized card
  3. Cook ‘Dinner’ for 2
  4. Collate his/her favorite music songs – a Valentine’s Day Collections
  5. Bake Cake or Cookies
  6. Give “Time” Gift Cards – in 1, 5, 10, 24 Hours
  7. Volunteer at a local charity event

Oh by the way, a personal recommendation, my book, “Relationships Do Matter”

Relationships-Do-Matter EBook(on Amazon for $2.99), is filled with simple, practical and relevant relationship insights on building and maximizing relationships aimed directly at Singles and indirectly at Couples promises to be a nice Valentine’s Day addition. It is filled with memorable snippets that will inspire, instruct, challenge and provoke you to elevate your relationship IQ. Available on Amazon, get your copy here:  Relationships Do Matter

 

More Tips:

http://www.askmen.com/entertainment/mrtech/34_tech_gadgets.html
http://www.gifts.com/ideas/valentines-day
http://www.rd.com/slideshows/cheap-valentines-day-gifts/

 

 FREE Gift to my readers on Valentine’s Day: Click Here To Get Yours

[New Post] 25 Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas #Tips

[NewPost] My Favorite Love #Quotes

  1. Love-Hearts-Valentines-Day“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” – Ann Landers 
  2. “Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr. #RelationshipMatters 
  3. “The sweetest of all sounds is that of the voice of the woman we love.” – Jean de la Bruyere #RelationshipMatters 
  4. “A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.” – Honore de Balzac #RelationshipMatters 
  5. “Love has no age, no limit; and no death.” – John Galsworthy #RelationshipMatters 
  6. “Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.” – Henry Van Dyke #RelationshipMatters
  7. “Love is a game that two can play and both win.” – Eva Gabor #RelationshipMatters 
  8. “Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” – James A. Baldwin #RelationshipMatters 
  9. “Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.” – Ray Stannard Baker #RelationshipMatters 
  10. “We can only learn to love by loving.” – Iris Murdoch #RelationshipMatters 
  11. “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” –  Mother Teresa #RelationshipMatters 
  12. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” – Jesus Christ 
  13. “There is a woman at the begining of all great things.” – Alphonse de Lamartine #RelationshipMatters 
  14. “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” – Brendan Behan #RelationshipMatters 
  15. Valentine'sDay“Love is blind.” – Geoffrey Chaucer #RelationshipMatters 
  16. “The course of true love never did run smooth.” – William Shakespeare #RelationshipMatters 
  17. “You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; in just the same way, you learn to love by loving.” – Anatole France #RelationshipMatters 
  18. “In the flush of love’s light, we dare be brave. And suddenly we see that love costs all we are, and will ever be. Yet it is only love which sets us free.” – Maya Angelou #RelationshipMatters 
  19. Love is always bestowed as a gift – freely, willingly and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love. – Leo Buscaglia #RelationshipMatters 
  20. “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery #RelationshipMatters 
  21. “The hunger for #love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” – Mother Teresa #RelationshipMatters 
  22. “We need 4 hugs a day for #survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for #growth” – Virginia Satir #RelationshipMatters #Love 
  23. “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost  #RelationshipMatters 

Which one of these struck you the most? Share your favorite in the comments below.

[NewPost] My Favorite Love #Quotes

3 RELATIONSHIP MYTHS

Singles, this piece is for you. Let’s talk about myths especially those subtle beliefs within your hearts and heads. I elaborated on these three last weekend during my monthly hangout session and hope they are thought provoking such that you realize the need to do more than you ever did last year in this new year. 

By the way, “MYTHS” are those widely held, but false beliefs or ideas. These three were some of the popular myths singles have and hold dearly to, no apologies as I ‘bust’ these myths and I remain hopeful that you will do more than react. Let me know your thoughts. 

Image

ONE: 
MYTH: I can only be happy in a marital relationship. 
FACT: A ‘successful’ marriage (relationship) is not a product of selfishness, or one sided love. Rather, it is a journey that starts definitely before the wedding ceremony. If one is not happy being alone, how can one be happy coupled? 

 
TWO:
MYTH: I am ready to marry and all I need to do is only pray. 
FACT: Unfortunately, just focusing on one aspect of preparation is naive and grossly insufficient. There are numerous critical ingredients that lead to a relationship and required to maintain a successful relationship or marriage.
 
THREE: 
MYTH: I don’t need mentoring or coaching (formal or informal). 
FACT: Every goal stands upon a plan. Purposeful coaching, mentoring and access to information and interaction in a conducive non-judgmental environment is vital. 

Discover more truths and be intentional about eliminating the popular, yet false beliefs you have about marriage and relationships. Find out more about growing in your relationships in 2014 here: RDM Relationship Academy

Relationships Do Matter
Follow on Twitter @RelationshipsDM
Like on Facebook: Relationships Do Matter

Others: 4 Relationship (Marriage) Myths: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-terri-orbuch/relationship-fact-or-fict_b_774976.html

 

3 RELATIONSHIP MYTHS

#Singles HANGOUT on Air – Jan 11th, 2014 @9AM CST

You are invited to the 1st RDM HANGOUT of 2014.
What: A FREE mentoring and coaching session for singles, titled “The Single Life”.
Audience: Global (Open to All Singles) – Single & Dating; Single & Engaged; Recently Single; Divorced;  Single Parents.

#SinglesHANGOUT on Air.

Time: Jan 11th @ 9AM CST
3.00PM GMT (London/Europe)
4.00PM WAT (Lagos/West African Time) 
5.00PM CAT (South Africa/Central African Time)
Sign up, Save the date and invite your friends, this is going to be a blast.
#relationships   #singles   #hangoutsonair  

#Singles HANGOUT on Air – Jan 11th, 2014 @9AM CST

8 Reasons You Might Still Be Single By Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

Clearly, some people are single because they choose to be. They are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their life.
Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. They may have just gotten out of a meaningful relationship or have dated relentlessly and just haven’t found someone with whom they’re truly compatible. The point of this article isn’t to stereotype all single women or men or to put anyone in a box.
 
However, for people, particularly those over 30, who are looking for answers to the puzzling question “Why am I still single?” here are some unconventional answers that lie within.
When it comes to dating and relationships, it’s hard not to feel that you are a victim. After all, others can be cruel; you will get hurt, and no, it isn’t always your fault. But the reality is that we hold more power over our romantic destiny than we often think.
To a great degree, we create the world we live in, although we are rarely conscious of this process. We can, in fact, make a choice whether to see our fate through a victimized lens or choose to be goal-directed and take power over our lives. We benefit from focusing on what we can control and not what we can’t. We can become aware of the myriad of ways we influence the reactions we get from others, even the negative reactions.

So, the question for the single person looking for love is: What are the internal challenges I need to face?

1) Defenses

Most people have been hurt in interpersonal relationships. With time and painful experiences, we all risk building up varying degrees of bitterness and become defensive. This process begins long before we start dating, in our childhoods when hurtful interactions and dynamics lead us to put up walls or perceive the world through a filter that can negatively impact us as adults. These adaptations can cause us to become increasingly self-protective and closed off. In our adult relationships, we may resist being too vulnerable or write people off too easily.

If, for example, you were raised by parents or caretakers who were negligent or cold, you may grow up feeling distrusting of affection. You may feel suspicious of people who show “too much” interest in you and instead seek out relationships that recreate dynamics from your past. You may then choose a partner who is aloof or distant. It isn’t always easy to see when we have our defenses up. As a result, we tend to blame our singleness on external forces and fail to recognize that we aren’t as open as we think.

Here are some of the other reasons-

2) Unhealthy Attractions

3) Fear of Intimacy

4) Pickiness

Read the rest of the article here: http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201311/8-reasons-you-might-still-be-single

Need to talk to someone today ?  Email info@relationshipsdomatter.com

8 Reasons You Might Still Be Single By Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

Question: The Past

A reblog – When the Past is not Past, What do you do?

QUESTION: I am in a relationship with a Christian girl who wants to put God first and seek His will in our relationship. However, she has a very promiscuous and abusive past, leaving her with a permanent STD. I feel like I should end the relationship, but if she is truly repentant I believe I should be able to get past her issues and love her for the person she has become. Her past grieves me…it’s such a burden to me right now. Should I enjoy my time with her and let God do His work in our lives, or reluctantly part ways and search for someone else?

Read the responses here –  http://www.crosswalk.com/family/singles/he-said-she-said/he-said-she-said-when-the-past-is-painful.html

When the past is still affecting the future, it is not the past.
Relationships Do Matter,
PFlo

 

Question: The Past

21 SUGGESTIONS FOR S*U*C*C*E*S*S BY H.Jackson Brown, Jr.

21 SUGGESTIONS FOR S*U*C*C*E*S*S BY H.Jackson Brown, Jr.red-rounded-rectangle-with-number-21-clip-art_418404.jpg

  1. Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
  2. Work at something you enjoy and that’s worthy of your time and talent.
  3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
  4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
  5. Be forgiving of yourself and others.
  6. Be generous.
  7. Have a grateful heart.
  8. Persistence, persistence, persistence.
  9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.
  10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
  11. Commit yourself to constant improvement.
  12. Commit yourself to quality.
  13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on relationships with people you love and respect.
  14. Be loyal.
  15. Be honest.
  16. Be a self-starter.
  17. Be decisive even if it means you’ll sometimes be wrong.
  18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.
  19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you’ll regret the thing you didn’t do more than the ones you did.
  20. Take good care of those you love.
  21. Don’t do anything that wouldn’t make your Mom proud.

Graphics, courtesy of ‘freepik.com;

21 SUGGESTIONS FOR S*U*C*C*E*S*S BY H.Jackson Brown, Jr.