There is a tension between settling and settling down!
“…some women in their twenties leave good relationships based on an elusive feeling that they could find something more with someone else, and they regret it down the road when their choices dwindle. It’s not that women aren’t willing to settle; it’s that many refuse to recognize that their vision of the perfect man doesn’t match reality.”
– Kristine Huntley’s review on Lori Gottlieb’s book, “Marry Him, The Case for Settling For Mr. Good Enough”.
Every single ought to know these truths:
There is a difference between settling and settling down.
There are no perfect human beings, hence no perfect relationships, spouses, marriages (don’t let the social media posts on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram rile you up.
All successful relationships embrace to some degree the notion of settling within settling down.
And, yes…there is a real struggle to be won between “SETTLING” and “SETTLING DOWN”.
Natural Inclination – FEAR OF SETTLING: We are so afraid of settling!
Yet, most of us will eventually have to settle to settle down at some point, so we must apply great care to ensure the concept of settling down is not destroyed because we all settle.
I am concerned by people blinded by this fear who continue to block and prevent great relationships from developing and in some cases have inadvertently destroyed ‘wonderful’ opportunities.
I am concerned by some’s inability to separate fantasy from reality.
I am concerned that the pragmatic approach needed in some relationships have been renamed.
I am concerned by the heartaches, loneliness, disappointments, regrets and failed relationships.
I don’t want you living in fear of settling.
I want to let you know that ALL relationships start and thrive by the delicate balance between the pragmatic desire of “SETTLING DOWN” with the notion of “SETTLING”. In order words, most great relationships and marriages go through the process of ‘SETTLING’ to arrive at “SETTLING DOWN”.
Isn’t it time to carefully appropriate these hugely popular quotes and clichés as some of them especially on “SETTLING” need to be understood and applied within the right context(s). Consider this popular quote:
REALLY? NEVER SETTLE?? I disagree!
I do however agree with the next two images (message) though:
What is important is ensuring that when we settle, we do so correctly and for the right reasons. As a side note, I am reminded that when one falls in love with someone, accepting their shortcomings does not feel like settling. Isn’t that the truth?
So are you settling when you settle down? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I want to hear from you, let know your thoughts, do you agree or disagree?
Author: ‘Flo Falayi, Ph.D.(c) is the founder of RelationshipMatters & HybridLeaders. He is married with kids and passionate about Leadership, Singles, Relationships and helping people maximize their life & relationships. Flo hosts and speaks at conferences, seminars and events locally and internationally.
Follow Flo On Twitter; @holyflo Subscribe to the Leadership & Relationship Newsletter, click HERE
Valentine’s Day is a few days away and the buildup continues…listed below are some gift ideas ranging from the simple to slightly moderate and a few moderate to hard ones. I hope the list stirs your creativity as you celebrate the one(s) you love.
Collate his/her favorite music songs – a Valentine’s Day Collections
Bake Cake or Cookies
Give “Time” Gift Cards – in 1, 5, 10, 24 Hours
Volunteer at a local charity event
Oh by the way, a personal recommendation, my book, “Relationships Do Matter”
(on Amazon for $2.99), is filled with simple, practical and relevant relationship insights on building and maximizing relationships aimed directly at Singles and indirectly at Couples promises to be a nice Valentine’s Day addition. It is filled with memorable snippets that will inspire, instruct, challenge and provoke you to elevate your relationship IQ. Available on Amazon, get your copy here: Relationships Do Matter
“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” – Ann Landers
“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.” – Henry Van Dyke #RelationshipMatters
“Love is a game that two can play and both win.” – Eva Gabor #RelationshipMatters
Singles, this piece is for you. Let’s talk about myths especially those subtle beliefs within your hearts and heads. I elaborated on these three last weekend during my monthly hangout session and hope they are thought provoking such that you realize the need to do more than you ever did last year in this new year.
By the way, “MYTHS” are those widely held, but false beliefs or ideas. These three were some of the popular myths singles have and hold dearly to, no apologies as I ‘bust’ these myths and I remain hopeful that you will do more than react. Let me know your thoughts.
ONE: MYTH: I can only be happy in a marital relationship. FACT: A ‘successful’ marriage (relationship) is not a product of selfishness, or one sided love. Rather, it is a journey that starts definitely before the wedding ceremony. If one is not happy being alone, how can one be happy coupled?
MYTH: I am ready to marry and all I need to do is only pray. FACT: Unfortunately, just focusing on one aspect of preparation is naive and grossly insufficient. There are numerous critical ingredients that lead to a relationship and required to maintain a successful relationship or marriage.
THREE: MYTH: I don’t need mentoring or coaching (formal or informal). FACT: Every goal stands upon a plan. Purposeful coaching, mentoring and access to information and interaction in a conducive non-judgmental environment is vital.
Discover more truths and be intentional about eliminating the popular, yet false beliefs you have about marriage and relationships. Find out more about growing in your relationships in 2014 here: RDM Relationship Academy
Relationships Do Matter Follow on Twitter @RelationshipsDM Like on Facebook: Relationships Do Matter
You are invited to the 1st RDM HANGOUT of 2014. What: A FREE mentoring and coaching session for singles, titled “The Single Life”. Audience: Global (Open to All Singles) – Single & Dating; Single & Engaged; Recently Single; Divorced; Single Parents.
Time: Jan 11th @ 9AM CST 3.00PM GMT (London/Europe) 4.00PM WAT (Lagos/West African Time) 5.00PM CAT (South Africa/Central African Time) Sign up, Save the date and invite your friends, this is going to be a blast. #relationships#singles#hangoutsonair
Clearly, some people are single because they choose to be. They are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their life.
Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. They may have just gotten out of a meaningful relationship or have dated relentlessly and just haven’t found someone with whom they’re truly compatible. The point of this article isn’t to stereotype all single women or men or to put anyone in a box.
However, for people, particularly those over 30, who are looking for answers to the puzzling question “Why am I still single?” here are some unconventional answers that lie within.
When it comes to dating and relationships, it’s hard not to feel that you are a victim. After all, others can be cruel; you will get hurt, and no, it isn’t always your fault. But the reality is that we hold more power over our romantic destiny than we often think.
To a great degree, we create the world we live in, although we are rarely conscious of this process. We can, in fact, make a choice whether to see our fate through a victimized lens or choose to be goal-directed and take power over our lives. We benefit from focusing on what we can control and not what we can’t. We can become aware of the myriad of ways we influence the reactions we get from others, even the negative reactions.
So, the question for the single person looking for love is: What are the internal challenges I need to face?
Most people have been hurt in interpersonal relationships. With time and painful experiences, we all risk building up varying degrees of bitterness and become defensive. This process begins long before we start dating, in our childhoods when hurtful interactions and dynamics lead us to put up walls or perceive the world through a filter that can negatively impact us as adults. These adaptations can cause us to become increasingly self-protective and closed off. In our adult relationships, we may resist being too vulnerable or write people off too easily.
If, for example, you were raised by parents or caretakers who were negligent or cold, you may grow up feeling distrusting of affection. You may feel suspicious of people who show “too much” interest in you and instead seek out relationships that recreate dynamics from your past. You may then choose a partner who is aloof or distant. It isn’t always easy to see when we have our defenses up. As a result, we tend to blame our singleness on external forces and fail to recognize that we aren’t as open as we think.
A reblog – When the Past is not Past, What do you do?
QUESTION: I am in a relationship with a Christian girl who wants to put God first and seek His will in our relationship. However, she has a very promiscuous and abusive past, leaving her with a permanent STD. I feel like I should end the relationship, but if she is truly repentant I believe I should be able to get past her issues and love her for the person she has become. Her past grieves me…it’s such a burden to me right now. Should I enjoy my time with her and let God do His work in our lives, or reluctantly part ways and search for someone else?